i feel so upset i could throw up. literally. i keep feeling a rising in the pit of my stomach and i have to quelch my throat to get it to stop. i feel so upset that i'm exhausted but can't sleep. and when i think about climbing the ladder to get to my bed... i feel like i'm going to throw up again. i feel so upset that i don't know whether to collapse or run mad circles around my dormitory until either i give out or someone does it for me. and when i think about everything. about sitting and doing nothing tonight. about working my butt off tomorrow. about seeing my parents on sunday. and going to church. and earning fifty dollars. i just feel so upset. that i want to throw up.

and i feel so stupid too. because i sat there. and i actually watched tv last night. for the second time i've been here! two times in two weeks is not that much tv. by all american standards. true. at the same time i've checked my email for probably about the three-hundredth time since i've been here. and a phone call with a friend usually means anywhere from a half hour to an hour (or two hours if it's my sister- she talks a lot) of homework/study time lost. and i've been taking a lot of naps. which also takes up a lot of time. so maybe. and maybe not. i could have been caught up in french 103 by now. french 103- an intensive course that, although review of everything i have already learned, actually is surprisingly intense. and i'm betting you i already have a D in it.

the second day i was in the class she gives a pop quiz. nice for the people who have actually been in the class. i come from "my name is..." to "blah blah blah blah blah i know so much french!!!" all in one weekend. i said i could catch up and that i could make up all the homework. i didn't say that i was superman and that i could stop a speeding bullet with my teeth and trade places with a juggling clown as if i had been the one with the bowling pins the whole time. i guess i feel guilty for watching tv last night. i could have been doing french homework. i feel guilty for taking a nap after class. i could have been doing homework. and maybe i should also go so far to say that i feel guilty for studying astronomy on wednesday and putting french in second place. and for receiving all the makeup homework on a monday instead of on a weekend- it will be much easier to catch up on a saturday when i have zero classes then on any other day when i have two to four.

and when i did the homework i thought she would check today. i did the book and the workbook. MY GOODNESS i forgot the lab workbook. and it just had to be that one that she wanted to check today. saying in front of the whole class that she needed to have a serious talk with me after class. so now i look like "one of those students" in front of the whole class. one of those students that i never was in high school. i used to be in the class's place and now look what i have been reduced to- without even trying! oops. that's right. i didn't try. i watched tv last night. because i'm homesick. and i have a huge ladder to climb to get to my bed. and a key to open the bathroom. and no kitties to hug. and a sister who could care less if i feel sad. and a sister who cares too much if i feel sad. and roommates who i don't know well enough to talk to about how i feel sad. i don't know... maybe i do just have this compulsion to make things up and say this and that teacher hates me. but would it be such a lie if i did? i actually like this teacher. but it seems that i just keep getting deeper and deeper into trouble with her.

what got me was her first words after class. "katie (and i hate the way people have a habit of saying my name- they never say it with compassion or tenderness or love. people never even address me by my name. except for when they're disappointed in me. therefore- my name has become synonomous to me with disappointment and ill feeling. my name is not "katie". my name is "katieee" or "katieeeya" or "kati~sigh~sigh~sigh") what is going on? it is two weeks into the course <actually one week... but i figured it wasn't a good idea to bring that up.> and you are still off in your own little world. <excuse me? making eye contact and "repetez-ing" isn't enough for you? speaking to my neighbors in french and writing notes down about the special french rules you teach isn't enough for you? what does she expect??? do i sit there staring off into space and drooling all over my armpit and not even know it? if so i wish she would tell me. i am very much not in my own little world. i am very much trying to keep up and understand what she is saying in this fricking french language all the time!!!> you need to be two feet in not two toes! <hmmm... i'd say that requesting a french waiver to jump up to classes into an intensive class one week after the class has already begun is pretty much diving in head first!!!>

thank you very much. i'm going to go puke now.

i feel like worlds have been lifted.

no. i'm siiick!!! ~_~. i'm all blegh and junk. and i just looove how when i'm sick i have to "act" sick. it's like a mortal crime if i stay home from church. you have to practically be half way on your way to dead. i don't know. i'm just majorly pissed off and sad and sick and stuff. nothing like being ill to make you feel completely and utterly alone!!! okay. that was a bit mellodramatic. but seriously. family's a bitch. i puke up my stomach and for some reason my dad still has the nerve to get all jerkish and be like "well you don't act sick enough to be staying home." whatevs. excuse me while i complain! excuse me while i just sit and sway here on the couch. which reminds me. i've been getting sick for a little while now. it shouldn't be any surprise. oh yeah. and my mom just walks in and goes "so why are you sick?" like she does that. in the school year she gets mad at me when i'm ill. like 'why did you spend all the money on your credit card?'-- "why the hell are you sick?!" maybe i'm just depressed because i'm sick. or maybe things really do suck all the way around. but all i know is i'm really sad right now and feel blah and i hate this. ~_~. saaad!!! *cries*.

eeew. i sound like a loooser. deal.